. . Love Laced In Cyanide . .

Yessir...
I know, I just came back from Canada a couple days ago and now I have to go back because I have to go to a funeral. That should be pleasant, not.... I went to Lit. Mag. today, we discussed what we were going to put at the center pieces. We decided on candles and fruit. Wonder how that is going to work out... I'm so sad Stephanie can't come. :( She really would have enjoyed it. I only have like 3 tickets left to sell. I'll sell them next week after I come back from Canada.

On Monday, nothing special happened.

On Tuesday, I felt depressed and made a total ass out of myself to cover my sadness. I hate how I can't control it. Sucks major ass.

Today, I was looking at VH1 in the morning and this video was playing.

It is Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am.
Guess what I absolutely adore it. It makes me think some people aren't as shallow as I think. Then again I know A LOT of shallow-minded people.

Oh yeah I finished a poem today. It's really short though. Enjoy!:)

Temptation

Lust is a must.
STD's, mistrust.
But I'm in love and we're drunk.
So naive and young.
Thinking I was in love.
Maybe it was the lust that blind sighted my trust.
Abstinence is broken.
My life's dreams are crushed.

It is basically about a girl who came under the temptation to have sex but she planned to wait until marriage. Being to lose her virginity to her future husband. Instead she ends up having sex while drunk. Unknowing to her he had an STD. Now she has to live with it for the rest of her life.
I was practicing how to say it with my friend Shonte after school. She says I say it too fast and I need to slow down. That will be really hard. :P Must go to sleep now.

Happy dreaming

Mood: Neutral
Listening to: The Vincent Black Shadow - Bullets On The Tracks
Reading: The Bluest Eyes
Watching: ...
Playing: My imaginary guitar. (I want one so badly)
Eating: ...
Drinking: ...

Sorry I didn't update on Saturday or Sunday. I was kinda busy. Well on Saturday, I went shopping. All I pretty much bought was shampoo, body wash, a tooth brush, hair scrunchies, Twizzlers, and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.
After that my two uncles came over to see my other uncle from Guyana who had been staying with us. I chilled out after that. My cousin Klaine(The Ass-wipe) came over. He was okay doi, I guess. He just got a new Ipod Touch, I was gonna get it oh well. My dad finally knows about my broken Ipod. I accidentally got caught in the rain and it surged. Sucks I know. He said that we have to bring it back to Best Buy and get it repaired. Damn insurance doesn't cover water damage. Now I have to lie and say the buttons won't work and it won't come on. I wonder if they'll believe that... I procrastinated on my Romeo and Juliet project.....
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Sunday, I slept in. My parents ordered me to clean my room. They had went to New York to go visit some dying relative.... I dunno who that person is, I have too big of a family to keep up with. By now I am going to have start numbering them instead of rembembering their names. Even that would be complicated. O.o...... After I cleaned my room I did my Romeo and Juliet project. I ended up staying up until 2:00 Am. Oh well at least I got 4 hours of sleep in.
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Monday, was a full day of school. It ws basiclly the same old routine. Except for the fact Fareeza was walking with me and Pamela today. Oh yeah and afterschool me and Fareeza went to the store. I got 2 cherry AirHeads. I didn't go in though. I can't go in until they forget about me and the "Cigarette Situation." Fareeza still owes me $4.00, dammit.
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Today, was okay. It was a half a day. I only had periods 2,3,4,and 9. Thoses classes are Accel. Earth/Physical Science, Accel. World History, Health, and Graphic Arts I. In Earth/Physical science all we did was work all period which is an hour long.

In World History we went in to another teachers room and watched a movie on the American Revolution. Julio kept saying he wanted to fuck me. He creeped me out. Then he told me to call Shonte. He kept making me call her. When I didn't call her, he would throw wite-out on me. what an ass-wipe dude. It was entertaining when he was holding hands with Fareeza, my cousin and saying he loved her/wants to go out with her/ dumped me, even though we NEVER went out to begin with.

In Health class we watched Supersize Me. It was so repulsing. I saw some dude stuff his face with Mc Donalds, which is pretty bad ot begin with anways. What made me even more repulsed was that people were getting hungery watching it. That made me wanna puke, so hard.

In Graphic Art I, I pretty much drew something for Jeorge and then did my missing Science homework.

Afterschool, I bought some pizza for lunch went home and then slept. At 4;30 I went to Sylvan. After that I went to to the school to pick up my report card. My mom is mad because I got an 85 in English and for my first test in Social Studies I got a 54. Oh come'on. It was the freaking first test of the year. I'm getting adjusted and shit too. I am only human. Gosh! After that we went to Modells. My mom needed some jogging pants and sneakers. I bought some cute Etnies. I love them!!!<3
Here is the link to what they look like ----> http://www.robertwayne.com/products2.cfm?ID=16346

They are awesome and I love them so much I might wear them tomorrow!


Peace Out, I'm tired...

Mood: Greatful
Listening to: Fall Out Boy - Grand Theft Autumn
Reading: A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allen Poe
Watching: Nothing
Playing: The Game of Life
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Nothing

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I kinda fell asleep.(=.=) Yesterday was fine. School was great because Julio wasn't there. That dude talks too much during class (lectures,etc) and it's about stupid shit. He pisses off the teachers and students. He just won't STFU. Anyways I me and Fareeza went to the Guidance Councilor after school to check out colleges/universities. My list is Princeton University, Boston University, Maryland Institute College of Art, Randolph College, and Western New England College. I'm hoping for MICA or Boston University. After that I got dropped off from Fareeza. My dad left to go to the mall, he said he was waiting but I didn't know. Oh well. I have to go to the mall anyways. I chilled out for the rest of the night. Nothing much to say.


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Today, I had regular classes. Nothing special. My Health and English teachers were absent. My friend finally read my poem after many tries of trying to get her to sit down and frickin' read it. Oh well. The dance for our school got canceled today because of some threat by Elizabeth, saying they were gonna come over here and shoot up anyone from Roselle(Where I live). That's is just freaking ridiculous. I heard that someone killed some peeps fro Elizabeth(My Birthplace) and they were from Roselle. We now have to suffer for some homicidal asswipe(s). By the end of this year someone is gonna get shot from my school. Dammit when will people learn that violence doesn't solve conflicts. I guess until someone gets hurts or that's how it goes. People need to think before they act and think about the consequences of their actions.

Currently, I am watching I love NY. I wanna watch Degrassi right now since it is a Friday and new episodes are shown today. I have 2 projects today. My english project is due on Monday. I have to make a story book of Romeo and Juliet as I had said on the last post. I'm going to go watch some more tv, then sleep.

Love, Peace, Serenity

Mood: Lazy
Listening To: Beyonce - Flaws and All
Reading: Romeo and Juliet
Watching: The dark cloudy skies, pass over me.
Playing: The game of life
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water

I feel so hopeless today. All day I was acting weird, like I was trying to act happy but I can't. I am such a good actor that I can make myself believe my performance. Am I bad person for that? I'm so confused. Why can't someone come and save me or tell me everything is going to be okay. I could look in to there eyes and see the concern the have for me. That's all a silly dream. People like me really don't deserve things like that. At least that was the ethic I grew up on. All those fairy tale dreams have all faded away. My childhood down the drain. The funny part about it is that I can't even remember having one. I guess that probably why I act so childish outside, but so beyond my years on the inside. Some people say I act mature for my age (turning 14 this December 27th), that's a lie. I am so unexperienced, yet I am experienced. Teenage years suck.

Today was alright. Some kids went on a trip to this theater to see Julius Caesar. My classes weren't that full, I felt a slight amount of joy. I watched Romeo and Juliet in English class. I have to do this project on Romeo and Juliet, I have to make a kids story book version of Romeo and Juliet. No complaining here. Romeo and Juliet entrances me for a strange reason. It is like other kids don't get it, but I do. It's a weird thing, but I have to say I like it. My math teacher wasn't here and I have a math project also. Oh well that is due in December, I have time. My graphic arts called me a slob because my sketch book looked dirty. Well it was caught in the rain and I always keep it with me in my book bag with tons of books, so what would you expect for it to be brand new. Ignorance pisses me off but also amuses me in a way. Screw it. After school I went to Lit. Mag. I was the only who showed up. I had to make stuff for Open Mic. I drew a microphone with "Open Mic" written on it, she hung it up on the bulletin board outside her room. I waited for Pamela and Maria because they have this program after school. Maria went somewhere, so me and Pamela left her because I had to go to Sylvan. My dad was waiting for us outside, he dropped Pamela off.

I came home from Sylvan. I don't really have much homework. Music is my saviour right now. I need to listen to some Lamb of God or something. I'm going to bed soon.

Peace, Love, Righteousness


Mood: Depressed
Listening To: Lamb of God - Hourglass
Reading: Romeo and Juliet
Watching: The days pass by... again
Playing: The game of emotions.
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water

Hi people,

Today was just another normal school day. I came back from my 5-day weekend. Nothing much happened.
I went to Lit. Mag. today with Pamela. Art Club was canceled for some strange reason. Oh well, all we were doing was crocheting. I at least got better at it, I must say. Anyway, I read my poem about Self-Mutilation today. It was alright, kinda a tragedy. Here it is.....

Fueled the Tragedy

Push the blade into your skin.

You think the pressure is lifted within.

You think it's a way to lose the pain
and your the only one to gain.

Hiding the scars with your sleeve

The guilt builds up inside you see.

You think no one know and it
doesn't show.

Inside you bleed,
the need to bleed.

The feeling show and
you can't take it anymore.

Can this blade help you forget
this feeling of regret?

Have you lost your mind?

Are trying to keep up
with a smile?

Bleeding from the wrists.

Now wishing for a
tourniquet.

Wasted away in a
sea of lie.

Cry and cry now here
you lie.

You missed out, now you
can't breathe.

All because of that need
to bleed.

The addiction that kills.

The addiction of free will.

The addiction of self-mutilation.


It was fun being there. People were rhyming and laughing making up silly poems out of nowhere. It was awesome.After that me and Pamela was walking home with my other friend and we were singing. I couldn't sing very loud or when I did my voice would crack because I am still getting over my cold. Any who, we were singing The Fugees - Killing Me Softly and I think Evanescence. That was fun, for the moment, I kinda forgot the words to it but that's okay. . I got home at about 4:15 pm. That meant that I only had 25 minutes to eat, chnage my clothes, and go to Sylvan. the only reason I am going there is because I need to be challenged in Math. I took pre-algebra last year at school and Algebra I at Sylvan. They screwed up my schedule. Oh well I am pretty contempt with my classes. The people maybe shitty but I can manage. I got home from Sylvan and made my lunch for tomorrow. I listened to music, called Cindy, and did my homework.

I'm tired and I wanna sleep.

Peace out peeps.

Today I have to wash my laundry, clean my room, do my homework, write some more poetry, find music to suit my poems, and more. Ugggh!!! At least my first load of clothing is done. I just have like a bazillion more things to do. I am such a procrastinator haha. I am totally going to have to copy my homework off someone else. I'll clean my room now while trying to clean it up. Then i'll start downloading instrumental music that will go with a poem about self-mutilation and rape. That will be fun, not. I'm thinking some Evanescence or Lacuna Coil. Which ever comes first. I forgot to mention the reason why I need poems and music. Well you see I am in this type of club called the Literacy Magazine. They are sponsoring an Open Mic Night, where students come up and speak, rap, sing, whatever as long as you are using a microphone. I guess it will be alright and all, as long as nobody tries to ruin it. That will probably piss the hell out of me because of all the hard work I am devoting to this night. I better get to work.

Ciao

Mood: Busy
Listening To: Atreyu - The Crimson
Reading: Romeo and Juliet
Watching: The days pass by...
Playing: With people's emotions
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water

Today was a day of remembrance for me through the good and bad. Tears were shed but isn't that just another wonder of life. I haven't been able to cry in a while. It's like I've been out of it since Monday. I don't feel to socialize with my friends or so called friends anymore. Is something wrong with me? Whenever i do talk to people I have to put up this extra happy front that can get on everyones including my nerves. Inside all I want to do is cry out and hope for someone to give my a big hug. I really do miss those the most. My mother rarely gave me hugs, only when I actually did really well like all 90's and 100's she would give me a hug and tell me she loved me. The problem was did I really love her back. All those years of beatings, or also known as abuse has clouded my perspective of her and other people. God, if there is one I sometimes wish I wasn't born, maybe my brother wouldn't have to hate anyone and he'll be a nicer person instead of taking all his hate out on me and other people. Sometime I wish that I could be born in to another family just to see what it's like to have someone to talk to/protect me to or someone who you can tell your secrets to and they won't tell. I wish to just experience that just once. I'm sick of my shitty life and this shit-hole town. It makes my sick to the stomach. That's most likely the reason why I'm a f**king bulimic and a cutter(past). Guess you probably didn't know that. I thank my oh-so-supportive family, extended and all. Fuck You.

Currently I am watching That's 70's Show because I seem to not want to go to sleep, damn you insomnia. I am too happy/jittery to go to sleep and I didn't have any sugar. My mother came storming in wanting to know the flight status of my uncle's flight from Guyana. She starts b**ching about when the freaking flight is coming in. She starts yelling, keep in mind that it is about 12:00 AM. I said,"I can't find the flight." She says,"I gave you the flight number." I said,"It's not showing up." She starts yelling something incoherent. I raise my voice a bit, not too loud, she hits me with a phone because it was just lying there. Closes blunt object to her. I have now a bruise on my arm, because of her repeated hitting. I want to hurt myself again. Whether it be resorting to cutting or digging my fingernails in to my arms until it bleeds. But you know what I am not going to hurt myself because all it is, is a cycle. I hurt then feel good. Later I feel worse and guiltier than before. I am tired of it. I am making the assumption that I am maturing, or so it is called. You know what makes me mad, those poser Emo kids that think their life is bad when isn't. All that shit really is a fad. Watch in a couple years it will die out and it won't be "cool," to be Emo. See who's left laughing. I am truly ashamed of my generation. Okay, I am going to stop talking and leave something for tomorrow.


Mood: Pissed Off
Listening To: The imaginary rain....
Reading: Nothing
Watching: That's 70's Show
Playing: Nothing
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Nothing

Hello, hello!
Yay, my second post. Yesterday i pretty much listened to music, I have a 5-day weekend due to the teachers convention. Time for some rest and relaxation. Hey at least I have 3 days left of my 5-day weekend. It almost seems to me like time passes by so fast. I guess it is a fear of mine to be left behind, lest I not wallow in the past.
I have no plans for the weekend so what ever happens, happens. Currently I am rocking out to Paramore, for some strange reason. O.o I'll ponder later. I am hoping to finish some type of drawing today or tomorrow. Oh yeah and cut my hair again, hopefully tomorrow.

This made my morning.....lol.


F.Y.I - I know the guy in the video laughing, he goes to my school. Lol. I'll tease him later. (^.^)

Mood: Happy
Listening to: Paramore - Emergency
Watching: Nothing
Playing: Nothing
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water

Hey this my first blog post. Let my first off start by telling you a little about me. I am currently 13 years old

turning 14 on December 27th and I live in New Jersey. I have battled with depression and anxiety for a

number of years. Most people think I am pretty crazy, eccentric, and mean(to some people), but on the real I

am a pretty bashful, artistic, and I am a chilled out person. You would actually have to look behind the lies to

know who I really am. I guess it is kinda hard but I learn to deal in my own ways. I live with my parent( and

grand parents) + my brother ( 7 years difference) who really doesn't like me or like to associate me as being

his sister. Oh well I never liked or talked to him ever.I actually made one attempt to

get closer to him but obviously he doesn't want me near him. At least I can say I made an attempt. It

would be his fault because he is losing one great person. I may not be beautiful but I make up for it with my

my mind. I guess that counts, right? I never really been in love so I really don't know what it's like. I mostly

derive it from books and other people. I usually portray those situations in poetry, stories, song, drawings,

and paintings. Some of my dreams and aspirations are to get through high school (I am in the 9th grade), find

religion, learn to play guitar, piano, drums, become a graphic artist/photojournalist, and most importantly

learn to become comfortable in my own skin. Luckily, I am blessed to have met some great friends(Carla +

Khadijah) during my lifetime even though they are not currently in the same state as me. I love them with all

my heart. They are the only people that get me, don't worry I haven't forgot my New Jersey friends, haha.

You are the only people keeping me sane even though you could be just as crazy as me. I love you too. <3

My deviantART account is ----> http://miss-conceited.deviantart.com/

My myspace account is ----> http://myspace.com/riaasa

Mood: Contempt
Listening to: Stone Sour - Silly World

Reading:	Nothing
Watching:	Nothing
Playing:	Nothing
Eating:	Strawberries